Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Angus Burger: REDUX (The Final Word)

After Jordan Stout alerted me to this: The Most Retarded Burger Review Ever

... I felt the need to chime in on the Angus Burger. I want to believe that Jonathan Kay's review is a joke: an exercise in sarcasm so subtle that only fellow National Post writers can identify it... but sadly I doubt that's the case. He seems to think the Angus Burger is god's gift to burger enthusiasts. If Kay is only comparing this burger to other McDonald's creations, he may have a point, but I don't think that's where he's coming from.

So let's break down his review now shall we?

"I ordered my first Angus Burger with bacon and cheddar cheese. And when I say "cheddar cheese," I mean the real thing. At least, that's how it tasted."

- my burger came with one piece of bacon snapped in half
- the cheese tasted real enough, but it wasn't even close to melted
- truthfully; I might have preferred processed cheddar

"In fact, everything about this burger tastes premium. That includes the 100% Angus beef patty..."

- the patty tastes like beef: nothing else
- the patty was slightly dry, and barely seasoned (if at all)

"McDonald's has also given serious consideration to the vegetables. The tomato comes in meaty slices, and the lettuce is of the whole-leaf variety — unrecognizable when compared to the tasteless confetti-like substance they put in Big Macs."

- a burger with lettuce and tomato! Ooooooh perish the thought.

"There are two sauces served on the burger: a solid mustard, and a "savory garlic mayonnaise" that truly does taste like something you'd get on the side of your plate at a continental Mussels-and-Fries bistro. "

- it tastes like someone knocked a tin of garlic powder into the mayonnaise
- fine for McDonald's, even above average — but nothing high-class

The onions were so special, they deserve their own paragraph."

- the most head-scratching comment of the whole article
- they were red onions, not exactly earth-shattering here
-how fucking low are Kay's burger expectations?

"As for the bun, it is of the bleached-flour "bakery-style" type."

-as for the bun... it's at least an inch too narrow
- a cynic would say this bun was shrunk to make the beef patty appear larger than it actually is

FINAL VERDICT: I have to agree with Guy on this one: the Angus Burger is a poorly constructed, ill-fated attempt by McDonald's to enter the "steakburger" market.


Gaetano said...

Nice breakdown of the Kay shiticle.
I read some of his other stuff and he isn't a bad writer, he just likes to over simplify things in a technical way to make himself sound like he knows what hes talking about when he doesn't have a fucking clue.

"If Kay is only comparing this burger to other McDonald's creations, he may have a point, but I don't think that's where he's coming from."

I disagree! I feel with my whole heart that there are so many burgers in McDonald's arsenal that shit on the Angus burger. The Big Mac takes a huge shit on the Angus, and so does the junior chicken. Double cheeseburgers oh my god. Kay is fuckin fucked.

dk said...

When I say he may have a point I mean, yah this might be a classier looking burger than your average McDonald's fare.

Gaetano said...

Ahhh. Classier LOOKING. Gotcha

Anonymous said...

I always knew Jonathan Kay was a knuckle-dragging mouth breather, so reading his overly earnest ode to MickeyD's had me rolling on the floor. When he compares the mayo to a sauce from a "continental bistro" I almost feel bad for him. I imagine he makes enough to eat real food, so i have to wonder why he never has.

My cheese was unmelted, too. It was also covered in sweaty grease. Just like at the finest restaurants in Paris!