Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Until We Eat Again . . .

Hey there brahs and brah-ettes. It's been a minute, hasn't it?

I started this blog six years ago. It's been a long time. I'm bored with it. Half the fun of this blog was being able to do it with contributors like Guy and Jimmy; trying to see who could be more over-the-top silly and stupid. Those dudes haven't lived in Victoria for years. A lot of my other burger buds have vamoosed too. Hanging out with them was one of the things that made eating countless mediocre burgers worthwhile.

The other thing that made it worthwhile: six years ago nobody knew where the hell to get a really great burger in Victoria. A search was necessary. I feel like the search is kinda over. Love Perogy is better than everything else in Victoria I've tried. Simple, greasy, delicious and you don't really have to worry about consistency, because there's always only one guy slingin' the patties.

So what I'm trying to say is: a) I'm kinda bored of this blog; b) now that I've found a place I realllllly like, I don't see the point in tilting at burger windmills anymore.

I won't say this blog is dead, I'll just say it's gonna take something realllllllllly special (or really godawful) to make me feel the need to write about it here.

In the words of noted Lurlene McDaniel historian Helen Kennedy, "Later skater."

Saturday, October 12, 2013

DeadBeetz Food Truck | Save on Foods Arena Parking Lot (1925 Blanshard Street) |

Mac Daddy Beef Burger

This one's a bit of a head-scratcher. Two beef patties that look and taste suspiciously like supplier jobs, and a glut of pickled beets with no fried egg in sight. The patties are the most puzzling element here. Frankly I expected more from a place that makes such a great steak sandwich. As for the beets . . .

Generally pickled beets are accompanied by fried egg whenever they attend the ol' burger ball. Such is the Australian way. Beets can show up stag if they want, but they'll look out of place and the lettuce and cheese are gonna be over in the corner all, "Ooooo look who came alone and isn't dancing AT ALL." Then maybe they'll shout out nasty insults. And trust me, you do NOT want to be on the wrong end of a cheese and lettuce insult war. Those bitches are cruel as shit.

Right, where was I? OH YAH! I was reviewing a burger.

The Mac Daddy is a decent offering, but I can't help feeling a few things are out of place. Earlier in my burger reviewing career (if you can call it that) I may have gone wild for this package. Now I respect the homemade "golden arches sauce" (tastes a lot like the infamous "goop" sauce George Motz loves so much) and appreciate the effort to put a personal spin on one of the most well-known burgers in the world. A little more effort on the patties and better balancing of the beet flavour could make this a truly exciting burger. In its current form, however, the Mac Daddy is more curioso than culinary triumph.

VERDICT: You can have a spot on my dance card, but I'm not driving you home.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Tartan Toque | 1507 Pandora Avenue (Stadacona Centre) | 778.265.9464 |

Bacon Cheeseburger

Oooo what do we have here? Is that a bacon cheeseburger? It is! And it comes on a custom bun! Well well, perhaps I should try it. I mean I'm here already and I do like bacon cheeseburgers. You go ahead and get wings though. I'm just gonna go ahead and do my burger thing! Hahaha, you know me!

Hmmm. Doesn't taste half bad. Is that custom bun sourdough? Kinda tastes like it. And there appear to be some breadcrumb binding this patty. Someone's been reading Gourmet Magazine! I'm just gonna have a few bites here while you're waiting for those wings. I mean what am I gonna do, sit here and watch my meal go cold!

Oh, looks like your wings are here. Are you enjoying them? Sooooooooooo messy! What's that? Oh yah my burger still tastes fine. I mean we have kind of a like relationship not a love relationship. Know what I mean? Are you almost ready to go? I'm ready to go. We'd better go get some exercise to burn off this meal. Don't wanna get fat! Hahaha.

VERDICT: Above average, below classic.

Baron Burgers | 9210 Rideau (Though It Roams to Other Locations Too) | Sidney BC | 778.678.7221 |


Tastes like Harvey's. I say boo, you say woohoo?

VERDICT: See above.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Cronut Burger Thoughts

I sent our good friend Guy Alaimo out to review the infamous CNE Cronut burger, but it looks like Toronto Public Health got their before him. It appears a bunch of pussies got tummy aches after mowing their Cronut burgs and have now ruined it for everyone. Well that or Epic Burgers and Waffles have an E. coli (Ms. Coli if you're nasty) sitch on their hands.

If you're dying for an Alaimo fix and the news he won't be adding his Croburg thoughts here brings you pain, fret not! You can still get a little Alaimo in your life this Friday night at 8:30PST (11:30 Eastern) as he makes his network television debut on MTVs Losing It!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Hawk's Nest Pub | Bamfield, BC | 226 Frigate Road | 250.728.3422

Bacon Cheeseburger

Much more notable for its location than its burger; the Hawk's Nest is a bit of an oddity. The nest is perched on the second floor of a pretty dumpy looking motel called Bamfield Trails. A quick glance at the front of the building and you'd think the pub sign on the street corner was a canard. There is no awning marking the pub entrance, no "RIGHT THIS WAY TO BEERS" arrow to guide your way--the nest just sits there, hoping you'll find it if you look hard enough. Somehow we found our way in through the (unmarked) exit. It wasn't so much difficult to find as it was just odd that there wasn't a clearer path.

The Hawk's Nest backyard.
Anyhoooo, all this expository nonsense is just a way of padding this review. This burger is both inoffensive and unexciting. The patty is pre-fab and probably frozen. The unit itself is the same as myriad other pub burgers. It'll fill you up nicely, but it won't leave you wanting more. And that's all I have to say about that.

VERDICT: A kind of neat bar in an unexpected location, but the burger ain't worth taking a road trip for.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Chez Monique's | KM 45 (just south of Carmanah Lighthouse) | West Coast Trail | Pacific Rim National Park | British Columbia

(add $2 each for cheese and bacon)

It seems everyone who does the West Coast Trail has an "I had the best burger of my life!" story that stems from their time on the trail. For some the best burger of their life is at the pub in Port Renfrew. Most West Coast hikers, however, will point to Chez Monique's as their best burger experience.

Don't trust these people. The average person, by the time they get to Chez Monique's, has been eating nothing but sand, mud, Clif bars and dehydrated meals for three days. In between sex dreams about the last attractive human being they saw on the trail--and paranoid "OH MY GOD WAS THAT A BEAR??" outbursts whenever a large man grunts somewhere on the other end of the beach at night--most hikers are daydreaming about "real" food. Chez Monique's is their first opportunity to get some. That's why this burger is so satisfying for so many, and why it's one of the experiences hikers rave about the most.

In reality, there isn't much to differentiate the burger here from any other burger you might get at your average family-friendly restaurant. The bun is garnished with light scrapes of mustard and ketchup, with a little relish added to the top bun. Cheese is melted well and probably comes from one of those Kraft half&half bags. The patty is an approximately quarter pound pre-fab number that is fine, but obviously far from fantastic. To sum up: it's just good enough. And good enough can be pretty good indeed if you've been sucking sand for a few days.

VERDICT: Make a point to stop by if you're in the neighbourhood, but don't charter a float plane so you can go in for an afternoon nosh.